When I woke up in the middle of the night last night, I didn’t know where I was. I had had a bad dream about hospitals and trying to find someone who was dying in one. My mind couldn’t handle the rush and tumble of my dream so it woke me up and then it couldn’t figure out where it woke me up into. I lay there looking at the outline of the patio door through the dizziness of sudden waking and couldn’t, for the life of me place myself anywhere I already knew. Instead I let my eyes wander around in the darkness until my fretful beating pulse calmed down and I felt the weight of the silky cocoa comforter collected around my legs and saw faintly the flying woman sculpture I hung from the light above my bed. And then I knew I was in a place I already knew and I went back to sleep.
Most of today I have spent sleeping. But I did go out once, which I didn’t know I was dreading until just before I left my apartment. It was as if once I left, once I walked out onto the familiar street in daylight and up the hill to the places I go regularly, my trip would be over. As if my time with Dennis was really up. But I guess sooner or later we need to offer our own fantasies up to the gods of reality.
Since I have been avocado-less for the past month, I was eager to get my hands on one, so I bought two and stuck them in my fridge to cool down. Not being able to wait very long to indulge, I opened one up and dug in, surprised and bothered by the fact that they don’t taste at all like I’d remembered them. Maybe I got a wrong batch, maybe the store had purchased their batch from a different seller. I don’t know. My fear is that they’ve tasted like this all along and it was this month away that has made my taste buds realize that avocados aren’t very good at all–kind of like watery butter. That means, of course, I will have to find a new dietary staple instead of popcorn and avocado. The popcorn stays, of course, but what will replace the watery butter? I’m not giving up just yet, though. This is something that is easier to handle than the fantasy of my never-ending Kiwi vacation.
Work begins on Wednesday, so I have a few more days to adjust. I plan on reading (I have many good books surrounding me, and memories of many more that I read while in New Zealand) and getting my inside clock to match the outside one.