Yesterday we foreign hire teachers had a meeting with our new health insurance company. After our first day back at school after vacation, we piled into the small conference room and listened to the benefits and the coverage and the co-pay talk, outlining the in-network benefits versus the out-of-network penalty fees. People we need to contact first to authorize a charge. What defines “Wellness.” A 200 deductible for major dental work, or 400 for gigantic dental work and 100% coverage for regular work. What gets covered where and by whom and when and what’s 40% and what’s 60% and what’s everything else under the sun.
I sound vague on the details because I am. This is because about half-way through the meeting, while I was taking notes and following along just fine, the guy flipped to the powerpoint screen where it said what the company doesn’t cover: some pre-existing conditions, adopted children and their illnesses for the first 12 months, and plastic surgery.
“So,” he summarized quickly, “no nose jobs, no breast enhancements.”
I perked up at that. What?
He continued on with his spiel but I was frozen in time. He had moved on to how to make a claim through e-mail and I stopped him, unaware that I was interrupting his sentence.
“So, let me just get this straight. No breast enhancements?” My friends giggled next to me. I’d told just the night before them about the horror of the official Victoria’s Secret measuring tape last week back in the States.
The guy paused, smirking. “Well, we don’t cover breast enhancements as plastic surgery. If you have breast cancer, then..”
“Which I don’t,” I interrupted again.
“Then, no.” Short and curt. Final answer. “Back to the claims. If you go to http://www.claim…”
“Forever!” I shouted out, tossing my hands to the sky in desperation. “Forever stuck with these things!” By that time my friends–none of whom are in my “predicament”, may I remind you–my boss, the guy giving the presentation, and the younger kid who was maybe 20 years old, all laughed out loud. Whatever. They have no idea. They’ll never have any idea.