More helpful advice from an experienced idiot.

3 10 2007

Let’s say a good friend of yours calls you up and says, “Hey, let’s go eat.” And let’s also say you’ve been sitting around wearing a skirt as a dress because it’s flow-y and light and you got back from the gym and rinsed off all that sweat in the shower. Just rinsed. And let’s also say that you weren’t planning on going out again, which is why you put the flow-y skirt-dress on in the first place and also didn’t bother putting on deodorant. Because seriously, who puts on deodorant if they’re not planning on being around other people? No one. I assure you.

So let’s say all that.

Now, let’s say that in your excitement over the possibility of food that is not dried soup in a bag, or crackers in a bag, or popcorn in a bag, or anything in a bag, you tell your friend you’ll be ready and outside up the hill waiting for her in 10 minutes.

Please, for the love of everything holy, and for the sake of your own self-image and that of your friend’s, please, look in the mirror. One quick look before you go outside. That’s all. Because you look like shit. You don’t know that, of course, because you’re too excited about food, like some Pavlovian dog drooling at the sound of a bell. (Also, get a grip, please. It’s just food.) Your hair has an assortment of bobby pins pulling your bangs all the way back in angles that make your square face look like a man’s. Since you only rinsed and did not actually take shampoo to hair, it is gnarled and matted from the sweat that has since dried and dulled every strand, making you resemble Edward Scissorhands, also a man. (You are 0 for 2 today, my friend.) You can throw on a little perfume–I recommend you do–but the fact of the matter is, you shouldn’t be going out. Not like this anyway.

So the advice: the next time your friend calls you up and tempts you with the carrot of Real Food, don’t be an ass and tell her you’ll see her in 10 minutes. Take a look at yourself. Because, looking like you do today, it’s going to take a whole lot longer than 10 minutes to make you look presentable. Or even like a woman, for that matter.

(Not that this is based on real events, or anything.)




10 responses

3 10 2007

HA! You crack me up. Did this happen to anyone that I might know?!? 😉 I knew someone in college who spent the day walking around with toothpaste ring around his mouth…AND NOBODY BOTHERED TO TELL HIM! He finally discovered it after he got home from his full day of classes. He looked like a clown…minus the red hair.

4 10 2007

Last night’s incident, WHICH HAPPENED TO MY FRIEND OF COURSE, is just the tip of the iceberg of Moments I Would She Would Rather Forget.

4 10 2007

I once went out wearing a giant tinfoil pope hat. I’m not sure if actually choosing to do so made that better or worse in the “years later I will remember this and cringe” department. Oh if I had a dime for every time I’m asked to go somewhere when I’m sitting around wearing the flow-y skirt. It’s like an alarm goes off causing everyone to call me.

Ok fine, no one calls me.

4 10 2007

I put deodorant on after every shower NO MATTER WHAT. I’m just sayin’. You can tell your friend.

4 10 2007
Nilsa S.

At least your little students didn’t get a glimpse of this site for sore eyes. Us adults can overlook, even forget a frightful moment (or 10) like that. Kids, well, they surely would never let you live it down!

4 10 2007

Ha! Jeremy, I’d love to see a comic about that one.

4 10 2007

Jennie–Really? Every time? Even if you’re completely alone? And won’t see anyone until the next day at work? And if you don’t even have friends? (Oh wait, that’s me.)

And Nilsa, my students remember EVERYTHING. Once I may have been that way, but what with the growing older and the excessive drinking something must have happened to my short term memory.

4 10 2007
Rachel L

My boyfriend actually puts on deoderant after he showers before bed. Like his dreams will think he stinks or something! I always thought it was weird so i’m glad someone else agrees.

On another note – I’m pretty impressed that you have the energy after a day of KIDS to run, shower (or rinse), get dressed, go out again and eat. If I dont go right from work, it’s not going to happen for me!

4 10 2007

I routinely ask my students if I match. I figure at some point I will learn how to tell on my own. Did I ever tell you I actually match on clash day in middle school! But I do use deoderant =)

4 10 2007

Jake, I’m not surprised you matched on clash day.

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