Let’s say a good friend of yours calls you up and says, “Hey, let’s go eat.” And let’s also say you’ve been sitting around wearing a skirt as a dress because it’s flow-y and light and you got back from the gym and rinsed off all that sweat in the shower. Just rinsed. And let’s also say that you weren’t planning on going out again, which is why you put the flow-y skirt-dress on in the first place and also didn’t bother putting on deodorant. Because seriously, who puts on deodorant if they’re not planning on being around other people? No one. I assure you.
So let’s say all that.
Now, let’s say that in your excitement over the possibility of food that is not dried soup in a bag, or crackers in a bag, or popcorn in a bag, or anything in a bag, you tell your friend you’ll be ready and outside up the hill waiting for her in 10 minutes.
Please, for the love of everything holy, and for the sake of your own self-image and that of your friend’s, please, look in the mirror. One quick look before you go outside. That’s all. Because you look like shit. You don’t know that, of course, because you’re too excited about food, like some Pavlovian dog drooling at the sound of a bell. (Also, get a grip, please. It’s just food.) Your hair has an assortment of bobby pins pulling your bangs all the way back in angles that make your square face look like a man’s. Since you only rinsed and did not actually take shampoo to hair, it is gnarled and matted from the sweat that has since dried and dulled every strand, making you resemble Edward Scissorhands, also a man. (You are 0 for 2 today, my friend.) You can throw on a little perfume–I recommend you do–but the fact of the matter is, you shouldn’t be going out. Not like this anyway.
So the advice: the next time your friend calls you up and tempts you with the carrot of Real Food, don’t be an ass and tell her you’ll see her in 10 minutes. Take a look at yourself. Because, looking like you do today, it’s going to take a whole lot longer than 10 minutes to make you look presentable. Or even like a woman, for that matter.
(Not that this is based on real events, or anything.)