My boyfriend, who will henceforth be known as The Buddha for reasons you are about to see, called me last night. His parents just returned yesterday from a ten-day trip to Italy. They do this every year and that country is, by far, their favorite place on the planet. The Buddha, a.k.a Dennis, lent his beautiful digital camera and three beautiful lenses to his parents so they could take beautiful photos of their favorite place on the planet. He packed it all up nicely in his brand new camera backpack and sent them on their way to pasta paradise.
On arrival, someone stole the backpack. Gone forever is Dennis’ camera, the three lenses, and the backpack. It left his parents crushed and empty-handed, unable to take photos during their vacation, and required them to purchase a brand new camera in Italy to add unnecessarily to their collection of cameras at home in Connecticut. Yesterday, when Dennis came home from work, they told him the news. And when he shared the news with me, our conversation went like this:
(For the record, my nickname from him and everyone else is “Bean” because it’s been that way since I was born and there’s no escaping nicknames.)
Bean: blah, blah, blah, blah, something about food, blah, I’m tired, blah, blah, guess what I read today, blah, blah, music, something about work, blah.
Dennis: Oh, yeah, I forgot to tell you.
Dennis: I lent my camera to my parents and it got stolen.
Bean: WHAT? OH NO! TELL ME ALL THE DETAILS! OH DENNIS THAT’S SO SAD!
Dennis: Yeah, that sucks.
Bean: BUT WHAT ABOUT YOUR LENSES?
Dennis: Yeah, those too.
Bean: BUT EVEN THE WIDE ANGLE LENS? EVEN THE OTHERS THAT YOU SPENT SO MUCH MONEY ON?
Bean: DID YOU HAVE THEM INSURED? [aside] Like I told you to do months ago?
Bean: NO!! OH MY GOD HOW TERRIBLE! HOW SAD! OH THAT’S THE MOST AWFUL NEWS I’VE HEARD IN FOREVER! IT’S YOUR CAMERA! OH, WOE IS ME AND WOE IS THE WORLD FULL OF TERRIBLE, EVIL ASSHOLES WHO DO SELFISH, AWFUL, TERRIBLE, MEAN THINGS TO PEOPLE! MAY THEY ROAST IN HELL AND MAY THE FLESH BE BURNED TO A CRISP AND OFFERED UP ON PLATES TO THEIR OWN CHILDREN! DAMN THEM! DAMN THEM!
Dennis: Eh, whatever. It was just stuff.
Dennis: Bean? Are you there?
Bean: UH, YOUR SHIT JUST GOT STOLEN IN ANOTHER COUNTRY, DENNIS. YOU ARE NEVER GETTING IT BACK EVER AGAIN.
Dennis: Yeah? So what?
Bean: [panic beginning to leave voice] AND ALL THAT MONEY YOU SPENT!…..GONE!
Dennis: It’s just stuff, Bean.
Bean: [drained now of frustration] I know but–
Dennis: Listen. I lost a camera, not a Bean. That would be waaaay worse.
And that is the story of why my boyfriend is The Buddha and why we (as in “I”) love him. We are, as you can clearly see, almost complete opposites–the yin and the yang, the Taurus and the Aquarius. The opposing natural elements. The Buddha is the air, and I am the rock. The Buddha is the water and I am the hyperventilating ball of fire and fury that the water is able to shut up with just a few words. The Buddha has no care for earthly possessions (even though he has a whole lot of them) and I am dreaming of when I can have enough money to fill my closet with things like this, this, and this. And this. And basically all of these.
So what’s the lesson in all of this? Essentially, it’s this: I have the best boyfriend on the whole planet and if anyone doubts that, I’ll fight you. Because even though The Buddha is a non-violent higher being, the earthly Bean has got a mean right hook. And you do not want to get on her bad side.