The golden hills and valleys.

23 12 2007

I am cutting open a Thomas’ English Muffin for Dennis’ breakfast.  My mother sees I am cutting. Slicing it. With a knife.

With shock–and I do mean shockhorror, actually, she looks at me and asks,

“Do you mean you are not using your fingers? To get the original golden hills and valleys?”

I look around, wondering where I am.

“The golden hills and valleys!! The golden hills and valleys! It’s the magic of Thomas’ English Muffins! That’s the whole point of opening them with your fingers!”

And the thing is, she’s not even joking. I see an expression on her face similar to one I’ve seen a million times over the course of my youth, like when she taught me how to do long division, or how to use a dictionary and I’d get something wrong. Concern creasing her brow, doubt that she’d been a good mother, worry that I’d grow up to have some kind of debilitating social disorder. But it’s about Thomas’ English Muffins this time.

“You understand, mother, that everything you say right now is going on the blog.”

She is not fazed. She grabs the bag and holds it up to the light. “See here? It says ‘original nooks and crannies,’ here. Okay, so ‘hills and valleys’ I made up, but it says the ‘nooks and crannies’! I think I’ve failed as a good mother that you don’t know this.”

As I sit down to type, Dennis walks in from shoveling the walk.  I am typing and I hear in the background this whispered conversation:

Mom: You know about English Muffins, don’t you? The golden hills and valleys?

Dennis: Yeah. The nooks and crannies. I didn’t know they were called hills and valleys.

Mom: Well they’re not. You’re right. That’s how my sister and I called them when we were little.

ME: You did not, Mom. You just made that up.

Mom: Well, Gina cut them! She used a knife! You don’t do that.

Dennis: Yeah. Cause how else can you get the butter to soak in? They even made a special commercial about it.

Mom: [holding the muffins as if they were destroyed, burned to ash or else soaked in sewage.] Now they’re flat, they’re dry…

ME: [overhearing, exasperated.] Fine then! Give me the plateaus of English Muffins. Give me the Plains of dough. I’ll eat them for the good of mankind so you all don’t have to suffer.

Mom: Well, I’m not eating them. Dennis is.

ME: Dennis? You can give them to me and I’ll eat them so you don’t have to suffer the pain of eating knife-cut muffins.

Dennis laughs and I continue typing, each word out of my mother’s mouth adding more fuel to this blogging fire. Soon after, I turn around and see the two of them bent over a fruit cake. My mother talks about the texture of this particular fruit cake and tells him he’ll really enjoy it. Dennis agrees. They sit down and enjoy their “hills and valleys” and sips of tea.

Dennis: This is the best fruit cake I’ve ever had.

Mom: Yes, but you’ve got to use a sharp knife to cut it.

Dennis: Why’s that?

Mom: Just to bug her.




9 responses

24 12 2007

Typical mother. Mine is driving Richard and I crazy this weekend. We love it. =)

24 12 2007

Gina, We envy your mother having you (and Dennis) home this Christmas. Sara is in Montana and we are bereft. No one to give me those “Oh Mom…” looks and nobody to argue about nooks and crannies with. Welcome back to Vermont.
The Pages and Davises

26 12 2007

Your Mom is the absolute cutest.
Merry Christmas!

26 12 2007

Yo Baby C!
Your mother rocks, you know! I have to talk to her someday to learn some tricks to annoy you and make you feel right at home when you’re in Brazil! Aw, she’s the best! Tell her I said hi!

Oh! I bought these bunch of amazing books at “Barnes and Noble” and right now I’m reading Joan of Arc’s biography (She rocks). I read a bit of it each day because it’s so good! (It’s still gonna take me a while, it’s got 400 something pages and I’m a time-taking reader) Oh, and when you have time… take a look at my blog because a lot happened!

27 12 2007

I have to say this: my mother has been telling me repeatedly, “Alvy and Marissa say I am so cute.” This has done nothing for her already oppressive superiority complex. But she appreciates your attention and I thank you both for your responses. Do not encourage her.

27 12 2007
Tina (aka Mom)

Alvy and Marissa, please pay no attention to my daughter – feel free to encourage me all you want !! Ho ho ho to you, and to all of Gina’s wonderful readers, and I hope everyone has many wonderful holiday times.

28 12 2007

To Tina (aka Baby C’s mom [who’s the best]): Aw, thank you! I want to wish the same to you and be sure to continue just the way you are! Remember that whenever you do anything similar to what’s written in this post a little light inside me will automatically light up! hahaha! Merry (late) Christmas and I hope you have a very happy new year! Oh, and you ARE so cute!

To Baby C: Muahahaha

28 12 2007
Tina (aka Mom)

Love it, love it. love it !! You’re the best, too, Alvy !! 🙂

29 12 2007

Hmm. I see you two have a little mutual admiration society. Hate that.

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