Do you know I’ll be back in the States next week? I leave this Friday and will stay until the 23rd. I have a big meeting, one that will decide the next (at least) two years of my life. I might as well just lay it all out on the table for you.
So my contract here in Brazil comes to an end in June. I did have the option to renew, but I wanted to keep moving. So when June rolls around, I’ll be rolling away. And herein lies the difficulty because I’m not sure where I’ll be rolling away to. I have options, many of them, and here they are:
- I can teach in another country.
- I can go home to New Haven and teach.
- I can go to grad school.
These aren’t just thoughts I’m mulling. I’ve taken serious action in all three directions. I’ve submitted an application to grad school in NYC. I’ve spoken with a school in New Haven and as of this moment there is an opening and an offer for me. And finally, I’ve re-established my file with ISS and have contacted and been contacted by international schools. On Friday, I had a phone interview with a school in Europe. (Clearly I don’t want to be too specific for fear of jinxing myself or exposing people/institutions who don’t want to be exposed.)
This is why I’m going back to the States on Friday, to attend a job fair for overseas schools. This means, that on Monday and Tuesday, February 18th and 19th, I will be taking very purposeful steps toward procuring a job in another country. By Wednesday, February 20th, I should know something, either way, about what I’ll be doing come August.
My choices are on a timeline and I want to be sure I am exploring as many options as possible before making a decision. Since the job fair is the first to happen, by Wednesday if I haven’t been offered a job or if I’ve been offered one but decline, it means I’m coming back to New Haven. And if that’s the case, then on Thursday, February 21st, I will start making preparations to do just that by meeting with the school who has offered me the position.
To say that I am feeling “conflicted” is to say that the bitter, biting cold of a Boston mid-winter wind is “a cool breeze.” I am heaps and mountains of confusion, coupled with the excitement and curiosity of living elsewhere, and haunted by a heavy guilt that rests on the back of my neck about not coming back home. For months–since October, actually, a good quarter of a year–I’ve been rolling these thoughts over and over, spinning them around to examine from all angles, allowing others to hold them and see for themselves and then to offer in return some wisdom.
On the one hand, I’m not excited about making the decision because then it means that, well, I’ve made the decision. Part of me wants a business-suited fairy god-Administrator to come down with a pointer and a brief case and say, “Poof! You’re going here!” just so I can give the responsibility and all the consequences of making this decision to someone else.
But on the other hand, come next week, it’ll be over. I’ll know something. And knowing something definite is way better than what I’ve got going on. I am drowning in possibilities.